When it comes to learning how to meet women, one thing that I found out which surprised me is that deeply held feelings of SHAME can really screw up your inner game (what goes on inside your head). Shame-poisoned emotions – like our normal human need for affection for instance – are the fundamental basis for shyness and all the other fear and anxiety that you may feel when it comes to approaching girls. Shame causes fear, and fear is very bad to demonstrate around women because it’s the marker of the low status male. A woman very quickly picks up on this negative signal and you instantly become less attractive in her eyes. If you physically touch a woman from this posture, it can actually make your touch seem unpleasant or even repulsive to her. This is when those terrible snap rejections occur, and you need to avoid those at all costs because they are the most humiliating type that drive you deeper into isolation. I know this for a fact!
Here’s a few general guidelines that I learned from reading several of these pick-up artist books when it comes to making opening comments: a big thing is that your first words should always sound unrehearsed to a chick, like something that just popped into your head at that moment. Memorized pick up lines are a joke and they paint you as a total nerd unless you know how to do them as a sort of comic routine, but I wouldn’t try it. Appearing a little nervous is actually okay too since it makes you seem like you’re attempting to do something that you wouldn’t ordinarily have the stones to try. This makes the girl feel somewhat special and she becomes curious about your out-of-the-blue attraction to her.
And best of all it makes YOU seem like you have some courage and confidence, and these qualities almost universally turn women on. I never quite looked at it that way, but it gives you a reason to give it a shot instead of quickly getting down on yourself and thinking that you’ll just be intruding or bothering her. This was a big mental leap for me, but it’s an attitude that all the true players have I guess. That’s the difference between us: attitude and assumptions. You’ve got to just assume that she will respond favorably to your “hit” and charge full steam ahead!
One BAD move that I’ve seen mentioned in a lot of these books though that I don’t personally like is this idea of taking an immediate pricky stance with a girl that you don’t even know. This is the so-called “neg hit” or cocky and funny put-down compliment that you may have heard about which a lot of these pickup guru’s seem to endorse. I don’t ever try this. By shocking a chick with an immediate put-down comment (supposedly done as a joke) you’re just daring her to blow you off I think. At this point a girl has absolutely no investment in your feelings anyway and so there’s no reason for her to soften her rejection. Unless a girl’s just dripping with a mean-n-nasty “club” attitude, I would avoid using this as an opening tactic. I could never figure out where you would go from this point anyway, so like I said I don’t use this technique at all. (Maybe it works better if you’re tall – I’m short and I think it makes me seem like a bitter little short guy…)
For that matter, I think that any type of phoney come-on sends a negative message about yourself. You never want to lead off with a lame, rehearsed pick up line either – even though a lot of guys seem to think this is the big magic secret to picking up girls. There are much better ways to open conversations with women that won’t leave you high and dry having shot your wad with a cute opening line, and then leaving you there with nothing else to say! I learned that it works better to be sort of Light and Bright instead… “light on your feet” in the sense that you can adjust the conversation as you go along (don’t just parrot rehearsed lines like a robot), and “bright” in the sense of being upbeat. You can get a girl to mimic this same upbeat mood back at you sometimes because people will unconsciously mirror back what others do it their presence, especially when they’re nervous like in a first-meet situation.
Another stupid move is making a sexually offensive remark at some point just to show her that you’re “a man” who is already sizing her up for the sack. This approach speaks just the opposite about you though I think… because dudes who are REALLY getting laid never broadcast it to women in so obvious a way. They just carry it around with them as a silent vibe. This whole idea is an over-reaction that a lot of guys have to staying out of the “friends zone” at all costs. You end up in the friend zone because you don’t flirt enough and you come-on to her too soft and polite (wimpy). The idea is to learn how to ATTRACT women rather than having to chase after them all the time and convince them to like you.
A big part of being good at picking up girls is a knowledge of what to say to women in different situations and developing the skill of quickly manufacturing things to talk about. Women are mostly interested in PEOPLE and they want to hear stories about other people, gossip, whatever. So try to do interesting things in your life that will generate fascinating stories you can tell. Cultivate relationships with cool people that you can talk about. This is far more interesting to them than talking about things like World of Warcraft or politics.
Then there’s what is called “social proof”, which demonstrates your acceptance by other people. It is a big thing too. This is why it’s always better to go out socially with friends so you can to show you’re connected and accepted by a group. The last thing you want to seem like is a desperate loner in a bar standing around alone. A sense of style will also add to your social proof too, and of course having some swagger and confidence matters a lot.
Like I said, try to infect her with your good mood and get her reflecting it back to you, this makes it easier to connect. Make a girl laugh using any sort of (non-offensive!) humorous remark, and watch for possible signs of interest by seeing how much eye contact she sustains with you. This is a very obvious positive signal of interest.
If you stay within these general guidelines you can usually capture a woman’s interest for a second or two and get some flirting action going on with her, and who knows where that will lead?
Also check out this post about the importance of touching a girl during seduction:
